Hm? Hi
You still smell like you
- Um... Take it
OK
Hello I saw your ad on Craigslist
I need a private detective
Yes, of course Thank you for calling
But can I get back to you in a little while?
I'm with another client But you'll definitely call back?
I need your help I think my boyfriend is cheating on me
Yes, I promise I will definitely call back
OK, goodbye now I'm sorry about that
That's all right New girlfriend?
No, of course not I don't have
Wait a second Are you seeing someone?
Let's not talk about it But you just asked me
I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up
No, I'm not seeing anyone,
but we shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff
We should really only discuss neutral, non painful topics
But all topics with you feel painful
Let's just start over, OK?
So how are you?
- I'm in pain. Jonathan
I need you I miss you I'm living like an animal
I have no toilet paper, no food, no toothpaste I miss you
You miss me shopping for us That's great - No, I miss more than that. I...
You forgot my box of love notes
I brought it for you
"I love you more than you know. Jonathan"
That was a nice note
But you don't have to read your name at the end
I'm very literal minded You know that
Is that Ray? Is he coming in here?
I thought I might need to see him after seeing you
I didn't think you'd overlap
Jonathan, I don't want to see your friends
This is really hard for me too, you know
Hey, Suzanne How are you?
- OK. I was just going. It's OK
I can sit right over there Oh, no, I really need to go
- Say hi to Leah for me, though. OK
Suzanne
I can't believe it She forgot my box of love notes
Tell me about it, man Women are tough
- Leah's making me get a colonic tomorrow. What?
She wants me to get a colonic Something about me being in a bad mood all the time
because I'm leaking toxins Leaking toxins from where?
You gotta go with me I have a real phobia around my ass
Yeah, sure, I'll go
It's good you're willing to change for Leah
If I had changed for Suzanne she wouldn't have left
I'm not gonna change I'll just pretend
I can't change That's impossible
"You're my best friend Jonathan"
You're my best friend too, Ray No, I'm just reading this
Oh, come on. Those are my love notes. Don't read these
Ugh, Ray
I'm just
George, what are you doing?
Hey, I'm just practising the speech I have to give tomorrow in my mind
- I need an audience. All of Manhattan?
I love this city I was walking around this morning
and I saw this woman who looked exactly like,
you know, that actress in the Almodóvar film
- With the big nose? Yes Ah!
I would love one night with her
She might be completely boring, but the nose would be so distracting
You know, you couldn't get bored
Men must chase after her like crazy
Yeah, but she probably never knows if someone wants her for her nose or for herself
That's true But then, nobody's really loved for themselves, are they?
I mean, all love is projection
- Really? Come on. Think about it
You know, I'm in your movie and you're in mine
Two different films, really
We don't really know each other
We just make a guess at knowing each other, right?
I think the same is true about love
Do you purposely try to depress me every time we see each other?
Yes Yes, I do
Now, why are you here, young 'un?
Oh, right, right Um
The green issue is coming around again
Now, I want you to go out and ask people
what's most upsetting to them about the environment
You know, man on the street
Please Go ahead Why not?
- Is it a woman? Sort of
Jennifer Gladwell? Yes Jonathan, the private detective?
- That's right. Hm
Hi Um
Can I please have a white wine?
I thought you'd be older
Yeah, well, I got into the business at a young age
I was drawn to it
Would you like a drink drink?
Oh, no, I'm on the water wagon tonight
Oh, I understand I avoid the wagon by drinking white wine
It has a very low alcohol content Oh, that's really smart
I love white wine
And red And rum
Hm
Tell me what's going on You think your boyfriend's cheating on you?
I'm not 100 per cent sure, but I'm 95 per cent sure I did try to access his email,
but he changed his password You had his password?
Well, yeah Just, like, a year ago I went through a jealous phase
But this time it's real Are you sure?
That's what one of my therapists said Yes, I'm sure!
God, it's like I'm surrounded by Holocaust deniers
It happened I'm sure
My therapists aren't helping me at all, so I contacted you
But if you can't help me, then maybe I should find
someone else who can help me I'm sorry, I'm sorry I do want to help you
- Has your boyfriend been acting differently? Yes
We don't live together, so when I call him at night,
his phone goes straight to voicemail, which it never used to
And he's always been very available to me,
- which is what I need. Huh
So you'd like me to follow him
a tail job?
Yes, a tail job, yeah - Mm-hm, OK.
I brought a picture
Oh, he's a good looking guy
Yeah, all women want him
So have you and he been having specific problems, other than the voicemail issue?
He thinks I drink too much, which is why I'm quitting
Really? My girlfriend left me for the same reason
But it's all projection. It's her father who's the alcoholic
I just have, like, two white wines a night
Yeah, I do drink more than that
But you're right Gary's mother is an alcoholic
That makes sense. In every relationship, we're either with our mother or our father
I think Gary is my father Oh, no
My girlfriend Suzanne was my father
As a woman, you know Nothing I did was right
That's what it was like growing up with my dad
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't care about your girlfriend or your dad
I really I really just need you to find out if Gary is cheating on me
I can't sleep at night Yes, I would like a white wine, please
No, I would like a vodka martini, dry, with an olive
- Sure you don't want white wine... I'm sure
...with low alcohol content? Yes
Thanks again for being here, man No, I I like being here
This pamphlet has a lot of good information in it
You know, we really should all be vegans
I'm kind of a non practising vegan
That's the other thing, Leah wants me to change my diet
So when I'm with her I'm gonna eat healthy,
and when I'm not with her I'm gonna eat like an American
Can you pull that off?
Yeah. It's just a double life, but we all lead double lives
Ray, there's something I've been meaning to tell you
Oh, shit I hate when people say that What?
Three weeks ago, when Suzanne moved out,
I put up an ad on Craigslist
So? Everybody does that I just bought Birkenstocks on Craigslist
No, this is different I put up a listing advertising myself as a private detective
A what? I've been moonlighting
as a private detective on the side
You can't do that That's illegal Why? I say that I'm not licensed
And that makes it more legal ish
You have to take that down You can't just do that
No, I've already had a client I found a missing girl
It was like an out of body experience
I wasn't me I was heroic
Are you delusional? No! And I I keep getting calls
I just got my second case
I have been reading so many of these detective novels
that I know what to do
I can help people
Jonathan, I consider myself a very open minded friend
Half the people I know are disturbed
But you cannot just go around
and say that you're a detective
You can't mess with people's lives like that You can barely lead your own life
Which one of you is Ray Houston?
That's me I am happy to meet you I'm Yusef
And who is this? Your partner?
Uh Yes No He's, uh, he's my friend
- He's here to support me. That's nice
Have you been to other colon hygienists or is this your first colonic?
This is my first - Well, don't be scared.
It will be a good experience for you, I promise
I am going to find all your treasures
The world is completely melting,
and yet beautiful women are still being produced
It's the one positive in these preapocalyptic times
I need to find a bathroom
I think some of that water that he pumped inside me needs to get out
Don't you feel any relief, any sense of lightness?
No, I feel worse
I'm probably a hard case,
all those gyros rotting in my intestines
I'd love to detoxify
I think I'll use the money from my new case for a colonic
I don't want to hear about that detective stuff right now I just want to find a commode
Do you want me to rub your shoulders or something?
No Not on the subway Jesus
It's bad enough that Yusef thought you were my partner
Well, if we were lovers who do you think would be the top?
Oh I'm bigger than you, so clearly I'm the top
I don't want to talk about this now, though But sometimes the little guy could be the top,
you know, like a dog that herds cattle
Mm hm - You would be the cow,
and I would be that little dog just barking at you
Woof, woof!
- Did you get stoned while I got my colonic? No!
Well, a little Oh, God, here we go
You all right?
It's OK
We're almost home We're almost home
This is Suzanne Please leave a message
Hi, I just want to let you know that I'm shopping
I don't know, maybe I'm changing
Buddhism says that if a man walks across a room, he comes back a different person
So anyways, I'm sorry to bring this up,
but you forgot the box of love notes and I added a couple of new ones
So, I don't know,
maybe I could bring them by?
Anyways
I do miss you
OK, bye This is Jonathan
Can I exercise just for tonight, like a day pass?
Damn, she's hot
What?
Did you see that redhead, with her little friend in the pink?
No, sorry
Oh, my God Hey, man, look at that stretching area
I can almost understand the Muslims wanting to keep women separate
I'm not really following you
It's like a Lamaze class over there
We're supposed to sit here like a couple of eunuchs and watch?
It's unnatural Listen, I'm trying to exercise
I don't have much time Sorry
You're a really good biker
Can I ask you a quick question?
OK I'm writing an article,
a man on the street sort of thing
What upsets you most about what's happening with the environment?
Oh, that's actually a good question
When I was a kid, I grew up on a pond
and we used to ice skate every winter
And now the pond never freezes over
I'm sorry
Sorry to keep bothering you, but is this a good place to pick up women?
It's kind of what I look for in a gym
I don't know, have you ever picked up anyone here?
Nope Really?
Listen, I just want to ride my bike
If you could pick up someone here, would you?
I have a girlfriend, so I don't think about it
Really? You don't even think about it?
Does that mean you haven't cheated on her,
like not just once, you had sex with another woman
and maybe used a condom? Nice talking to you
Thank you Goodbye
Yeah
- See you in the showers. Yeah
Excuse me, do you know what's going on inside there?
Is it like a church singles group?
It's an Al Anon meeting Al Anon? Right
That's for relatives of alcoholics? - Yeah, or friends of alcoholics.
OK, great Thank you very much You've been very helpful
Oh, I don't mean to be insensitive,
but do you know a good bar around here I could kill some time?
Excuse me one second
Hello, George What are you doing?
I'm about to get a drink I need you to come over right now
- You know, I really can't right now. You can have a drink here
I'm having a crisis
Oh my God, what the hell happened to your lip?
Just get in
Were you stung by a bee?
Yes, a bee with herpes
That's herpes? But yesterday you were fine
I know I don't know what happened
I was with you and then I went and got a massage
and I felt this kind of insane gratitude for everything
It was practically religious
And then a half hour later my lip exploded
I got tested spiritually and I failed
God, that's the biggest herpes blister I've ever seen in my life
Thank you We're very proud of it
I kind of wish that thing was a bee sting
Oh God You know all the bees are dying, right?
It's one of the depressing things somebody told me for this article
- Thank you very much. Listen I don't care about the environment
Right now my entire focus is on my lip
I cannot go out into the world,
and I have to give a speech at the Public Theater in two hours
Is there any medication that helps? No, not really That's why I called you
Now I want you to hit me in the mouth and the face
Whoa George, that's crazy
How will my hitting you heal your blister?
No, it won't heal it, but the herpes will be obscured
and I can claim that I was sparring at the gym and things got out of control
Right?
I was watching TV and I got the idea
Fight Club was on I don't think I can hit you
Yes, you can Come on, what are you
Yes, just You can Just get angry at me
I I I'm not good with anger I go straight to depression
Come on, it'll be fun I'll be Brad Pitt and you can be Edward Norton
You said yesterday we were in two different movies
Don't be a wiseass, will you? This is an emergency
Now stand up and smack me like a man OK, OK.
Thank you For crying out loud
Wait a minute There
George, I don't want to hurt your feelings,
but is it possible that if I hit you I might get a herpes on my hand?
Wow Um
Man, I never considered that I'm sorry, Jonathan
I should have Here
The maid uses these to clean
George Here you go
Now you know how to hit somebody? You gotta put your hip into it
Let me show you You spin the right foot
like you're putting out a cigarette butt or something, like that
And just There, see?
No, don't don't That look
- Oh, never mind. Just hit me. OK
This is an intimate moment I've never hit anybody before
Just stop talking and hit me, please? Get it over with
Are you ready? I said stop
I'm sorry, man
I took an Israeli Army defence class once I guess the old muscle memory clicked in
Oh!
I think you crushed one Now, you have a hell of a right
You should hit people more often Thank you
Do you think you got one more in you?
Yeah, I can do one more
Hi Hey
Oh my God
Oh, God Ohhh!
Yo Hello, Ray? I'm freaking out
I am freaking out right now What's going on?
I'm in Manhattan following Suzanne and she's with the really handsome guy from my case
Are you stalking Suzanne? You can't do that
I'm not stalking her I'm on my case,
but the guy I'm following met Suzanne at an Al Anon meeting
I didn't see her go in, but they left together
Jonathan, what the hell are you talking about?
Suzanne is with another man. Do I confront her?
Listen to me Do not confront Repeat, do not confront
Get back to Brooklyn Get on a train, get back
Oh, no Oh God, they're going into a diner
Jonathan Jon
Don't touch my girlfriend's hand
What are you doing here? I'm not your girlfriend any more, by the way
Wait, are you stalking me? Suzanne, you're still my girlfriend in my heart
And I'm not stalking I've seen you
I was walking by this place I look inside and see the two of you making out
What? You reek of pot I don't reek of pot
I was walking past these kids and their pot got on me You know how it wafts
Get out of here! You followed me, right?
Why are you making out with this guy?
Making out with him? I wasn't making out with him
He was consoling me about you. We're Al Anon friends
Why are you going to Al Anon? Because of you
- You followed me. But I'm not an alcoholic
Your father's an alcoholic Don't bring my father into this
Let's get out of here That guy's nuts Excuse me, there's no hand holding here
You don't want to go out with him I know he's well-endowed, but he's a Metamucil addict.
What? - Yeah, he's a Metamucil addict.
What? What are you talking about?
You are a freak You followed me into the gym
I thought you were a nice guy I liked your story about the pond, but I won't use it now
You're stalking both of us?
How do you know he's well endowed? Because Forget that I said that
Suzanne, I am not stalking anyone I am in love with you
Leave now or I'm calling the cops
Listen, you leave now, Mr Constipated,
so I can please sit and talk to my girlfriend
- I'm not your girlfriend. Get out of here
OK, now we're even, even Steven
Suzanne, listen to me Just come home
Oh, my Oh
You know what? Um Let's just get out of here
No hand holding!
He has a girlfriend!
What happened? - Oh, another domestic case.
Trouble is my business, it's no big deal
- Are you sure? Do you want some ice? It's fine
So I have your report for you
I don't think your boyfriend is cheating on you
He goes to the gym
and he hardly looks at other women
And then after the gym he's going to Al Anon meetings
So that's what your boyfriend is doing at night
- He's going to a 12-step programme. Al Anon?
I guess it's better than another woman, right? Yeah, I guess it's better
I mean, if he's going to Al Anon, that means he really loves me
A club soda, please
- Um, what do I owe you? Uh
You know, you don't have to
100 bucks, no expenses
I have to say this
I really hope things work out with you and your boyfriend,
but if they don't, you can always call me
Cos, hey,
I don't mind a woman who drinks
You're sweet
Oh, it's Gary
Gary? I should get this
Wait Are you sure you want to take it? Maybe you shouldn't talk Wait till tomorrow
Maybe he spotted me following him Gary!
Yeah
And then I asked her for 100 bucks
At least I'll get a colonic out of this whole mess
Do you think he told his girlfriend he got into a fight and she put two and two together?
Probably
Look, I'm sorry that you got hit in the face
and I'm sorry that Suzanne thinks that you're insane,
but I told you that this was gonna blow up in your face
Did I not? Remember that?
Hold on I've got to take this It's George
Hello, George Have you seen The New York Post?
Nobody believed that I had a fat lip They all knew it was herpes
You shouldn't have hit me, Jonathan
But that was your idea - Yeah, well,
you need to know when to give me good advice, and that was bad advice
You need to be sane when I'm insane
But I didn't know you were insane Well, you should have
Please, no cellphones in my office
George, I have to go I'm about to get a colonic
What? I want a colonic
So I have both of you today I'm glad
Early morning colonics are the best They're most cleansing
Lovers' quarrel? - Mm, more or less.